Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
