I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
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