Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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