just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
