The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
