If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
