I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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