Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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