My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
