I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
