I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
