She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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