After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
