All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
