so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
