The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The uberlube is also flammable
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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