my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
