do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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