You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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