It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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