He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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