I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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