I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
