were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
