after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
