I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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