i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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