the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
