I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
