1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
