I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You've changed since you got that strap on
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
