Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
