Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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