Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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