You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
