You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
