They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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