genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think your dad took our porno
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
