I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
