you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
