Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
