They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
