Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
