My hand turned me down
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
