Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
