i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
