my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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