dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
