Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
