During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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